


it all fell down

by ColorfulWarlock



Series: of omamoris and (second) chances [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Epistolary, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, MCD Mentioned, Magnus knows the truth too late, Not Beta Read, Permanent breakup, Prompt Fic, Self-Sacrificing Alec Lightwood, TOO MUCH, asmodeal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28622946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulWarlock/pseuds/ColorfulWarlock
Summary: “I lied,” Madzie cut him off, making him pause and look inquisitively at her.She opened her bag and took out a black envelope from it. Then, she looked at her mentor and dear uncle with an unwavering gaze that Magnus was certain it was identical to…“To save his life,” Madzie blinked, and an unexpected tear fell off. “I lied.”Magnus felt his whole body paralyze, a cold dread filling every cell, every vein inside him.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Madzie, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: of omamoris and (second) chances [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105691
Comments: 90
Kudos: 292





	it all fell down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skylar102](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar102/gifts).



> So, this is all Morgan's fault.
> 
> This story was born from her NYE prompt: When Alec breaks up with Magnus they never see each other again. Magnus got his magic back and left, too hurt to stay in NY. He stays away from NY long enough that when he gets a fire message from Madzie that Alec has passed and that there is a letter for him. In it, Alec confesses everything knowing that Asmodeus can't do anything to Magnus now that Alec is dead. Alec writes that he hopes that Magnus is happy and living life to the fullest and if Magnus would give him another chance he will be waiting in another lifetime for him.
> 
> I've changed some details, but that's that. It's still Morgan's fault.
> 
> The title - and really, the whole mood of this fic - came from MIIA's Dynasty. I listened to it nonstop while writing. It hurts.
> 
> Also also, this is not beta-ed. There may be misspellings and grammar mistakes. Sorry 🥺

_And all I gave you is gone_ _  
Tumbled like it was stone  
Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake  
Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made  
Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up_

The sky was crying somewhere.

As a warlock, Magnus wasn’t so attuned to nature like the Fae, but sometimes his magic caught some change in the air. In this gloomy afternoon, there was a melancholy he couldn’t explain. It was just that - a negative feeling -, and a long time ago he’s learned that sadness never chooses a reason to be.

It _was_ , perpetual and uncaring.

Glancing down, he watched from his balcony the euphory of mundanes who were chatting and putting Halloween decorations all over the street.

Uh, it was that time of year again. Magnus used to love the holiday.

Downing his drink, he considered portalling himself to some mountain in Tibet. Maybe he could stay at some monastery guesthouse until the giddiness of Halloween died down.

It has been over fifty years and yet.

_Yet._

He tried to stay away. He tried really hard to not keep tabs on what was happening to Alec, but it was really hard when your ex becomes the next Inquisitor, and later the next Consul. Magnus was too intertwined on the political vines to avoid some news – and gossip. Because oh, immortals were too deep in boredom to not spread gossip like an inferno, and inevitably some things reached Magnus’ ears.

Like the fact that Alec never married. Never had kids.

The Lightwood name continued only by Isabelle’s side. By Alec’s, it was the ending line.

And despite all the hurt, all the anger and despair, Magnus knew it was a waste. Alec was a man with a heart bigger than the world, so full of love. Magnus was certain that Alec would’ve been a wonderful father. So… why? Didn’t Alec break up with him to have a better partner? To be with someone less broken, less insignificant?

That confused Magnus more than anything else.

He couldn’t even hate the man properly because Alec never disappointed as the highest-ranking soldier in the Clave. Alec did so many good things, approved so many laws that helped both struggling Nephilim and any Downworlder. The new Accords were signed and life improved so much in the Shadow World.

It was truly upsetting for Magnus. Why did Alec have to be so _good?_

Why did Alec have to break his _damn_ heart?

He was about to go inside to pack some clothes and really go to Tibet, when a ping on his wards let him know about the beginning of a portal opening in his foyer. There were only three warlocks with granted access through a portal into his loft. Magnus knew Cat was with Tessa in the Spiral Labyrinth, so the only possible person was…

“Magnus?” Madzie’s voice carried through the living room, and for a moment Magnus missed that enthusiastic way she would call him before running to his open arms. She has become a very fine woman and a warlock more powerful than many of her age or even older.

“I’m here, sweet pea.” Magnus smiled briefly, his expression quickly turning into a worried frown as soon as he saw her crestfallen face. “What happened?”

“Alec is… gone.”

The glass slipped from Magnus’ fingers, tumbling hard on the carpet and _cracking._

Ironic how it resembled so much of Magnus’ heart. Not shattered for good, but perpetually cracked.

To never be mended ever again.

“Old age?” he asked, not really recognizing his own voice.

“Yes,” Madzie’s voice lowered to a whisper, but it was still oddly firm. She has always been a strong girl. “He died in his sleep.”

“Perks of being a mortal,” Magnus said with a smile that was too forced to look genuine, waving his hand to clean the mess on his Persian carpet. Then, as if Madzie has only told him about the weather, he turned to his drink cart and asked almost airily. “So, what is it going to be today, sweet pea? Piña colada? Gin martini? I’d offer you whiskey, but the last time you drank it, Cat almost had my head–”

“I lied,” Madzie cut him off, making him pause and look inquisitively at her.

She opened her bag and took out a black envelope from it. Then, she looked at her mentor and dear uncle with an unwavering gaze that Magnus was certain it was identical to…

“To save his life,” Madzie blinked, and an unexpected tear fell off. “I lied.”

Magnus felt his whole body paralyze, a cold dread filling every cell, every vein inside him.

“Those were his last words to me before giving me this.” She put the envelope on his – now – trembling hands, making sure he would hold it. “Uncle Magnus, this is for you. I know how hurt you still are, but just this time… Just this time, trust him once more, _please._ ”

Magnus must’ve nodded, he wasn’t sure. It was like being thrown at some kind of stupor and then slowly waking up. When he blinked again, the sun was already setting and Madzie was gone. His Adam’s apple bobbed and for a brief moment he considered throwing the letter away. There was some weight on it, and he wondered if it wasn’t just a piece of paper in there.

Eventually, he lowered himself enough to sit on his favorite blue armchair.

And for a second, a memory of a distant past flashed through his eyes. A memory of hurt, stepfathers, vulnerability, and confessions. But also of love reaffirmation, comfort, and hugs.

He missed his Alexander.

Shuddering, he indulged in one more moment of pain and opened the envelope. There was a letter and a ring inside. He blinked almost owlishly. The Lightwood family ring? Why…?

Turning his attention to the letter, he unfolded it and practically whimpered at the recognition of Alec’s handwriting. It was still terrible.

It was still so Alec.

_Magnus,_

_I entrusted this letter to Madzie because I knew she was the only one who would deliver it while making sure you wouldn’t burn it before reading. I hope you are, as this is my only way to finally tell you about the how and why of the worst decision of my life. Furthermore, if you are really reading this, it means I’m no longer alive, so it’s safe. It’s safe to tell you the truth._

_To tell you about my deal with Asmodeus._

Magnus stopped and gasped loudly. What in the name of Lilith…?

Did Alec meet Asmodeus?

_We searched for months, but there was no solution that would’ve restored your magic and immortality. At least not one that wouldn’t be at the cost of your life like the magical transfusion Lorenzo sold to you. You were fading, Magnus. It wasn’t only the drinking or the gray hair anymore. You started to resent your makeup. Your clothes. It got to a point that you couldn’t even look at cats without breaking because of their eyes. You didn’t like your cat eyes, but always knew they were part of you. That loss was slowly destroying your soul. I couldn’t stay put anymore._

_I went to the source, then. Using a warlock conduit, I talked to Asmodeus. Your father agreed to restore your powers with the condition of ending our relationship and never telling you about the deal._

_‘Break his heart to save his life.’ I’ve never forgotten those words._

“No, no, no, no.” Unrestrained tears started pouring down. All the pain… It couldn’t be because of… Because of…

_I was desperate, but still, I hesitated. I’ve talked to both Izzy and Jace to make sure of my decision, but they gave me different responses. I was torn, but in the end I chose what was the best path. You’ve lost lovers before and moved on. I knew I wouldn’t, but you’ve always been stronger than me._

“No,” Magnus whispered, shaking his head in denial. “They weren’t the love of my life. _You_ a–were.”

Right, there wasn’t an ‘are’ anymore.

Like everything else, Alec didn’t belong to the present.

_I’m not writing this to make you feel guilty or bad for my choices. I only want you to understand why I did what I did, and maybe_

There was a smear beside the line.

A dried tear.

_and maybe forgive me someday._

_I knew it would hurt like hell. Angel, Magnus… The pain from that night? It never faded. It was a reminder I've carried all my life of the best thing I had to give up._

_I’ve never doubted your love. I was your heart, but magic was your soul. Magic was you. I’ve never wanted you to give up something that was so essentially you. It’s the kind of void that makes it impossible for one to feel whole ever again. I know that. I lost Jace once, and then lost him again when he passed away three years ago. This emptiness is suffocating. I had to live with it for just some years, but for you to live like that an entire lifetime? No, I couldn’t let that happen._

_As much as I hate it, I can’t regret the decision I’ve made that night._

_My choice to spend the rest of my life without marrying wasn’t out of guilt. I just couldn’t marry someone I would never love. I almost made that mistake once, but never again._

_I wanted to marry you. I almost proposed that night before Halloween._

A lamp exploded. Magnus’ magic coiled around him in distress. He remembered that night, when he arrived at Alec’s office’s balcony drunk beyond his mind. If he hasn’t had that breakdown… If they’ve just _talked…_

_I’m glad now that I didn’t, it wasn’t the best time. You didn’t need a ring or vows of love (you always had and always will have my love, I didn’t need to vow for that). You needed your magic, and I gave it back to you._

_I was never enough for anyone, but I can only pray that act was enough for you._

“You were always enough, darling. Always.”

_The Lightwood ring I left with this letter is yours. I tried to give it to Izzy and even Max, but both refused adamantly. They said it was too drenched in what I felt for you that they couldn’t see an ‘L’ in it anymore._

_Only ‘MB’._

_(A selfish part of me is happy that you are the rightful owner of it)_

Magnus tentatively picked the ring again and, without thinking too much about what he was doing, put it on his ring finger.

It fit perfectly. It stayed between his ‘M’ and ‘B’ signet rings. Like this, it could be read as… as…

Magnus.

Lightwood.

Bane.

_Magnus Lightwood-Bane._

Letting out an ugly sob, he took the ring off as if it had burned him.

_If I couldn’t have you, at least I gave my best to make this world a better place for you to live. Under all the hurt, are you proud of me, Magnus? Idris opened its bords for the Downworld. The Accords were rewritten. There are Shadow World cabinets in all Institutes around the world. Marriage between a Nephilim and a Downworld is legalized, no matter their genders. Adoption too._

_I've always thought_

Another tear-stained smear on the paper.

_we were going to be the first inter-species couple to get married under the Clave’s approval. But I’m glad it was Aline and Helen. Even Lorenzo and Andrew got married years later, did you know? We've opened so many doors. I’m happy for our friends._

_I heard you are dating again. Are you happy? I pray that you’ve found someone who adores every bit of you. Who is proud of who you are, good and bad things. Who is enchanted with your eyes. Who loves you more than life itself._

Magnus sobbed so hard again, he almost sounded like a wounded animal. Yes, it has been a couple of decades since he tried to date again, but it was a pathetic attempt of trial and error that has led to nothing until now.

Fifty-one years ago, Alexander Gideon Lightwood held the key to unlock Magnus’ heart and kept that key with him.

Even in his grief, Magnus was embarrassed to admit he never wanted it back.

_Did you know? There is this myth in Nephilim culture that believes the Angels sometimes let us come back to serve them again. Do you think they would let me come back? I hope so. If it’s not too much, I want to ask them to let me be reborn as a warlock like you. And then, if I come back, and you aren’t dating anyone, would you give me another chance? Do you think you could love me again?_

_I know I will._

_Because there isn’t a lifetime or a universe where my soul wouldn’t love Magnus Bane._

_You and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other._

_Forever yours,_

_Alexander_

The words blurred, and Magnus realized that it wasn’t only because of his wet eyes. His tears were smudging the ink, messing it the same way Alec’s had done before. Magnus let go of the letter and covered his face, crying harder than he ever remembered. Not even on the day of his mama’s death or on that night during the failed proposal dinner he cried this much.

If he thought he had lost Alec on that fateful Halloween night, the loss now seemed unbearable.

Magnus not only mourned the love of his life.

He also mourned the time they oh-so cruelly were robbed from spending together.

Magnus felt numb. He knew many hours may have passed. The Halloween festivities came and went, all the excitement toned down and only a calm lull hummed on the cold Autumn air. His head hurt a lot and his eyes were red and puffed – his makeup was certainly ruined – but nothing mattered.

He wanted to bring Alec back just to kill him himself for being so dumb, asshole, stupid.

Kind, good, selfless Nephilim.

Magnus hated him a lot.

Magnus also loved him even more, if that was possible.

If he felt his heart cracked before, now there was just a hole in his chest.

One that no key could ever enter again.

Moving almost mechanically, Magnus got up and went to his apothecary. Passing his box of memories, he went straight to a corner that seemed empty. Waving his hand in front of it, blue sparkles dancing around his fingers, he took down the glamour on the wall. A hook immediately appeared, the string of a well-preserved red and golden omamori charm hanging on it.

Even if the agony of the heartbreak was too all-consuming, almost driving Magnus to erase his own memories, Alec was never supposed to go into his box.

He was too big for that.

Taking the omamori, Magnus had to contain a sudden sob before he broke down again. Exhaling deeply, he opened a portal and entered it, disappearing from his too empty loft.

It was a good thing that Downworlders were now allowed to enter Idris. Magnus could go into their sacred cemetery without making any alarm go off. And although being his first time there, he somehow knew where to go. Where to find the Lightwood clan’s mausoleum. Alec’s tomb was even more prominent since he was once a Consul.

Magnus expected to see Alec’s name with a general message of ‘beloved son, brother, and leader’ or something along those lines, but he never expected what his eyes were seeing.

His heart – honest to Lilith – stopped for a moment.

**Alexander Gideon Lightwood**

**1989 – 2063**

**Loved one man so much he changed the world for him**

“My Alexander…” Magnus moaned in pain. His knees buckled and he hit the marble floor hard. Once again, the tears came, silently this time. Only when he was able to finally calm himself, he retrieved the omamori charm and cast a simple spell to attach it to the grave. He sniffled. If what Alec said was true and he came back somehow, Magnus would know.

Touching Alec’s name on the tombstone, Magnus recalled his Shadowhunter’s words.

_You and me, we always seem to find our way back to each other._

“We do, so come back to me, darling. Please.”

_I’ll be waiting for you._

**Author's Note:**

> Before waiting for Alec, Magnus makes a quick visit to Edom. To talk to Asmodeus.  
> With his fist.
> 
> Come talk to me on my [Tumblr](https://thelightofthebane.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Lah_Hika)!


End file.
